Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Can I color on your dick again?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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