it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
