3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
