i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
