I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
