When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
