Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
