dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
