Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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