my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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