I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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