im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
