While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
