I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
