i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So many bounce houses so little time
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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