I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
