Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
