probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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