please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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