I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
