You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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