I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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