I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
