Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
