I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize