Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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