Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
