And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
