Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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