so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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