It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize