I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
