Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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