Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
