I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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