Well apparently he's into motor boating.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
