every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
