ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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