Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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