i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
