I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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