This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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