i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
