If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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