Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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