How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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