she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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