I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
