This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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