I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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