i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize