I'm gonna have a badass scar
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
