so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
