There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize