why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
