I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
