In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
